Mothering - it's not for babies.

I wanted to rock Owen to sleep tonight.  I don't do that anymore.  I can't really.  He doesn't fit and, honestly, he doesn't want to.  He's much more comfortable falling asleep on his own. 

But tonight I wanted to hold him for awhile.  Those 1-year molars have shredded his top gums and I could tell he was uncomfortable and in need of a few cuddles too.

I was a little nostalgic tonight.  I remember Owen as a tiny baby but it's through a slightly faded lens.  I needed to just hold on to him for a bit and pray again about our changing relationship.   

Caring for a baby is easy really.  It's all about holding and soothing and feeding and changing.  Motherhood is born from those late nights and long rocking sessions.  But mothering...that's a different story.  I sense that mothering has only begun for Owen and me.  The process of teaching and shaping him - it's really just started.  I love, love, love him but all that loving isn't sufficient for the years ahead.  We have to build on top of that foundation a different type of relationship now and I'm only beginning to be able to actually put into practice all those lessons and values that I've thought about and prayed about and slowly introduced since Owen was born (and before). 

Tonight I sang songs to him as we rocked and he drifted in and out.  At one point I asked him if he wanted to lay down.  Instead of his usual 'please' indication he buried his little head in my shoulder.  Minutes later he was asleep - but restless.  His long legs tried to stretch out and he twisted and turned on my lap trying to get comfortable.  

As I laid him in the crib he instantly relaxed as he rolled on his side and cupped his ear with one hand.  

He made a tiny contented noise 

- as if to say "much better" - 

and was quickly

and deeply

asleep.