A few weeks ago, completely by accident, I lost my digital journal. The one I carried on my phone. The one that I jotted quick notes about Everly's first adventures outside and the funny phrases Owen used when he first started talking. It had their measurements from doctor visits and now and again I would type up a quick note about what I was thinking about it all, how I was processing motherhood. It was all those little moments that I wanted desperately to remember.
It's all gone.
I thought I had backed it up. When I first realized what happened I wasn't completely devastated because I had backed up everything last Spring. I had only lost a year or so of entries which is sad but I still had the baby entries. All the little memory triggers kept from those first hazy months after a baby is born. Plus the cautious recordings of those early contractions and doubts about the signs of labor followed by the frantic and excited journals on the way to give birth.
A few days later I realized that none of my backups mattered. The original program was gone...and the backups were meaningless without it. Gut punch two.
I felt so silly for crying. So guilty for crying. Spoiled for crying. This is not exactly a life or death situation, Emily. Your children are still here and healthy and making giving you new memories every day. The present is so much more important than the past anyway - and I feel a little like I bought into some cultural norm, of valuing the reliving of the past, without really evaluating it's relevancy or validity in my (our) lives. (hmmm...getting deep here) :)
To be truthful, it still hurt and I was mad at myself for acting so casually about my little notes and not taking stronger measures to ensure that they would be there for the day when Owen asks me about his first words.
BUT I was so grateful when I realized that much of this blog mirrors that journal. Some of the same funny stories and some of my thoughts on mothering made it here. Lots of pictures and little commentaries on normal days. Even a few of those measurements from the doctor visits are here! I am relieved to know that so much does still exist somewhere.
I'm not exactly sure where to go from here. Another journal (one that self backs up!) or just more posting on the blog...we'll see. Definitely more hugs and cuddles and standing in awe of the amazingness of the moments I'm living. Though my memory is spotty and my recall not quite pristine, I want to try and burn these images and moments in there first. I know that even if I never see the scene with lifelike clarity again I'll carry the feelings and senses and atmospheres of those moments with me. Hopefully much more safely than paper or digital files.